How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
