No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
