it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
