I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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