my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Is it penis luge time yet?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
