For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
