well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
