This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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