i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
