I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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