Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
