I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
