Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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