Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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