ugly people sure do ruin things
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
