Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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