Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize