Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
