A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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