I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
