I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
