just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
