I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Randomize
