soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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