After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
