so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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