: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
