Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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