the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
