I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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