Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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