Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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