Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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