What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
