I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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