I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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