No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
