Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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