gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
