it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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