I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
