i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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