watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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