I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
