Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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