I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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