made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
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