She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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