you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
