She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Randomize
