If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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