my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
