well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need a beard to bite.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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