Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
