Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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